This Halloween, as a service to yourself and others, please avoid handing these items out to unwary trick-or-treaters:
- Life lessons
- Cash smaller than a one-spot
- Autographed 8″ x 10″ glossies
- Invitations to your own Druidic Samhuinn Halloween Alternative Festival; B.Y.O.G. (Bring Your Own Goat) please!
- Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses by Necco
- That stuff in the bag you found behind the other stuff
- Christmas or Easter Peeps
- Your ex’s DVD collection
If any of the items on this list seem perfectly reasonable and acceptable to you as a Halloween treat, please take the following precautions:
- Lock your home’s doors
- Shut off all exterior and interior lights
- Get in your automobile
- Drive to the airport
- Fly to a country where Halloween is not celebrated, and is actually viewed as a vile paganism whose observance is punishable by pillory, death, or mandatory attendance at a Rob Zombie Film Festival
Thank you. Remember, keep Halloween safe and fun for everyone!